Tag Archives: hurt

The Difference Between Religion and Relationship


My heart is so very heavy this morning.

Please bear with me as I mull over the difference between Religion and Relationship…

Religion –

Religion blocks the Holy Spirit’s access to our pain.

Religion disables our ability to be honest about our pain.

Religion prevents us from experiencing our pain as a navigation through our grief.

Religion prevents us from truly releasing and experiencing the fullness of forgiveness.

Religion prevents us from owning and fully releasing our anger.

Religion shackles us in emotional denial.

Religion tells us that our feelings are not accepted as they really are.

Religion uses condemnation and judgment to hold us in place.

Religion prevents us from being freed from our anger and bitterness.

Religion is hard, callous, and cold.

Religion demands that we “pretty ourselves up – first” then…

Religion subtly convinces us that we can get over it by doing more, being better, quoting more, studying more, and performing better.

Relationship –

Relationship provides a safe place where we are accepted, valued, and loved no matter how deep our pain or how vast our anger.

Relationship assures us that our feelings are okay and welcomes to freely give voice to them without minimizing, trivializing, or denying.

Relationship never demands that we be anything other than what we presently are.

Relationship invites us to be open, transparent, and honest.

Relationship never condemns or judges.

Relationship longs to care, extend comfort, and hold us as we grieve.

Relationship desires to give us what we are utterly unable to give ourselves.

Relationship longs to heal our pain and hurts.

Relationship is a place of healing, deliverance, and hope.

Relationship assures us that all we need is provided simply because we are loved.



Please Hear What I’m Not Saying


Please Hear What I’m Not Saying

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I’m afraid to take off,
And none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,
But don’t be fooled.
For God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,
That all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
As without,
That confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
That the water’s calm and I’m in command,
And that I need no one.
But don’t believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
Ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion and fear and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear
Being exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
A nonchalant sophisticated façade,
To help me pretend.
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only hope and I know it.
That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,
If it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
From my own self-built prison walls,
From the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me of what I can’t
Assure myself,
That I’m really worth something.

But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare. I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
Will not be followed by love.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing, that I’m just
No good,
And that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk,
I tell you everything that’s really nothing,
And nothing of what’s everything,
Of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine,
Do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,
What I’d like to be able to say,
What for survival I need to say,
But what I can’t say.

I don’t like to hide.
I don’t like to play superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me,
But you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand
Even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the
Breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind and gentle and encouraging,
Each time you try to understand because you really care,
My heart begins to grown wings,
Very small wings,
Very feeble wings,
But wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
You can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me,
How you can be a creator – a honest-to-God creator –
Of the person that is me
If you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
You alone can remove my mask,
You alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic
And uncertainty, from my lonely prison,
If you choose to.
Please choose to. Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
The blinder I may strike back.
It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man,
Often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls,
And in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
With firm hands
But with gentle hands
For a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
And I am every woman you meet.

~ Charles C. Finn

Thoughts on Genuine from the Heart Forgiveness…


Thoughts on Genuine from the Heart Forgiveness…

For me, forgiveness has been a natural by-product of my continued healing and recovery. It wasn’t something I set out to do – like an objective or goal. In fact I didn’t believe it possible.

Rather than focusing on forgiving as a rule or law (I am a Christian btw) I chose to just walk out the process of healing one step at a time – focusing on what was in front of me and only that.

I believe people can get stuck by trying to follow religious law and never get to really experience freedom and peace way down deep within.

We can say we forgive – yet continue to feel the rage and pain. That is torment not freedom. We can’t live in that painful conflicted state.

For me, as I have continued to work through painful memories and events I discovered something I was never aiming for – compassion.

It took me aback me at first. It made absolutely no sense to my reasoning brain. I remember asking my therapist if she believed I was being honest about my feelings about the event. She smiled and said yes.

Compassion has led to mercy which by definition means forgiveness.

This has led to a place of freedom and unity within me. I am slowly being freed from conflicted feelings, emotions, and beliefs.

I can’t truly explain how that has taken place but I can say that I have been steadily working through my pain for over 22 years. It has been ugly. And it has hurt. There is no other way I can describe it.

So – should we forgive? Do they deserve forgiveness? Why should we forgive them?

I don’t have the answers for these questions but I will say based on my own personal experience don’t let a rule be your focus. It’s not about the abuser. It’s about you and your healing. Let your focus be on whatever you are experiencing today – in this moment. Continue to walk out your healing/recovery. There are no hard and fast rules because each of us are unique and the abuse has impacted us differently.

I hope this helps. As a Christian I don’t ever want to appear “religious” because that is not who I am. I believe it is through Relationship – not rules – that I am being made well. But it is a process and I don’t believe it can be rushed or dictated how and when certain things will be felt.

Trust your heart. 😊





A beautiful place.
My heart longs for.
My mind dreams of.
My soul desires.


A place of freedom.
A place of Love.
A place of safety and protection.
A place of acceptance.


My hope rests in this.
Home is my Savior.
Home is my Heart.
Home is where He is leading me.

~ Laurie Pontious-Andrews