Notes and Quotes
June 20th, 2013
My upbringing was drenched in Scripture. I read and memorized the Bible on my own, daily, sometimes two or even three times a day—in addition to family Bible time. I printed pages and pages of verses and taped them to the wall by my bed so I could read and memorize while waking or drifting off to sleep. I am grateful for this, for the words are written deeply on my soul which benefits me greatly even now.
However, as an adult I began to question and wrestle with my upbringing. I experienced loads of shame and guilt in the process, down to hearing my father‘s voice while I read the Bible, hearing it when others prayed, seeing my mother‘s disapproving or disappointed face in my mind and hearing my own conscience speak to me in her voice—I became desperate.
I stopped everything. I withdrew from society, from everyone really except for my husband and one or two trusted friends and mentors. I stopped reading my Bible. The truth is, I didn‘t want to view the Bible or God as hurtful; I still loved God with all my heart and knew that beneath it all, the god I thought I knew was not the true God. But when something inherently good—like the Bible—has been used as a tool for abusive control, it is necessary to distance from this and heal. In a sense, I went under a spiritual de-tox. It‘s not unlike a de-programming regime for those who exit cultic groups.
During this time, which lasted nearly a year for me, I determined to decide what to believe for myself, and not because I was told that it was true. I became willing to let go of everything I‘d ever been taught. I still clung to Jesus and His work on the cross, for I knew deep within that He is the Way, Truth, and Life—but anything besides Him I shed off me like a fur coat on a summer day.
My Personal Thoughts ~
As I read Halley’s words it was like a bomb exploded deep within my heart. It was the answer to the questions I have been struggling with before God.
This is why I’ve found myself with little or no desire to read the Bible or other spiritual books, Christian Novels, study, write, and yes, even, attend church. I know that I’m not backslidden. That is clearly NOT what this is. I talk with God all the time. I acknowledge Him and His presence throughout my day and into the night. I love Him and praise Hiim. I haven’t fallen away from Him.
I have been detoxing… Learning how to rest. Learning how to be.
Gone is that old way of life – searching, striving, clawing, doing, doing, doing, working, working, working… attaining all sorts of “knowledge” and yet never learning.
2 Timothy 3:7b – “they are forever inquiring and getting information, but are never able to arrive at a recognition and knowledge of the Truth.”
Another way to phrase this might be, are unable (or unwilling) to internalize and experience the Truth. Allowing the Truth to enter and pierce their heart to the point where they are changed from within through a work of the Spirit NOT the flesh.
Recognition = the act of recognizing; appreciation; acknowledgement, permission, acceptance,
Knowledge = specific information, learning thought EXPERIENCE and study, transmission of information, acquaintance
We should not fear those times when we’re pulled into a quiet place. We should be brave enough to follow our hearts and the Holy Spirit’s gentle nudging to be quiet and still with Him. Allowing Him to do the work ONLY He can do.
Cease striving. Enter His rest. Don’t fear the “not doing” and just be.
Oh, Daddy, grant us the Grace to allow ourselves to experience You and to experience what Your Truth longs to do in us.